Friday, February 8, 2008
His subtle but burdened sigh awoke me. The first feeling to come rushing on when I became aware of myself was discombobulation. The memory from the evening before was crisp and still fresh but it felt unreal. surreal.That conversation could not have taken place. And in such a common place for us! There was no getting away from it, now. It stained the furniture and seeped into the rug. Melded to the walls and hung in the air. More upsetting was my reaction to his offering. Deplorable. When I should have comforted and understood, I sat paralyzed. I told myself, because of the weight of the idea. The truth was that I still felt it absolutely necessary to follow his lead. Imperative and unbreakable is how it felt. Urgently reliant on his whims. Afraid of even a modicum amount of direct rejection. At least this way I was in the position of being passively rejected which was a lot easier to handle than if the aggressive was true. At any rate, I cared and he was to burdened to. Story of a life.