Saturday, July 11, 2009
Space and Change
He had at least always been sweet and dear, to me. Even when he couldn't manage it for anyone else. Even through the times of absolute dispair that he had, unfortunately, experienced that took him to the edge of his will, I remained in his favor. This was the first time when he was cold, and even mean to me. I had to internalize all of the feeligs this ripped into me. I knew I was doing the right thing, for him, and for me, and that his reaction was probably a good sign, it just hurt. A different hurt.I had been left behind and pushed away a lot and I knew how to handle it when it was someone else, anyone else. Now it was was coming at me from two sides. Two sides that are connected. They were running into eachother and onto emotional ground that I had a hard time protecting in myself. Enduring them together was a definite challange. A heartbreakng chore. I wanted to push all of my reaction to both of them on the one that I could react to. Which wasn't fair. The only thing I could do with both of them is what I was doing. Giving them what they needed from me. Space, and change.