Saturday, February 18, 2012

Bring it on Spring, You Bitch.


It had been a long winter, at least by the looks of my legs it had.I had gone a hefty while without giving them any...tending to. I sat in the bath being stared in the face by these awkward fuzzy monsters. I tried to think of the last time they had been...addressed, and by my nearest guess, a couple months, though in my minor defense, I had gotten them waxed that time, so you know, it slowed the regrowth a bit. STILL, what I was seeing was pretty pathetic. It's not like I was single either, my boyfriend had been subject to these woolly twigs the whole time. He never made a peep about it. I figured it was because he slept with women throughout the 60s and 70s, so my grooming habits probably seemed up to snuff. Or maybe he had been biting his tongue this whole time, hoping that I would come to my senses. At least make an effort. I'm sure when he started dating someone 30 years younger than him that he thought it would be a lot more glamorous, but he's not dating a Kardashian, he's dating me. This mess.

Anyway, I whacked my way through with a new razor, came out basically unscathed. The only real gash was to my vanity and ego. There is nothing attractive about the contortions and contractions you have to mold your body into to reach all of the leg. The way your gut just sits itself on top of the pubic bone as you lift a leg to reach the back of your ankle. Staring smack on into your vagina. I felt like saying I was sorry for all I had put her through and thank her for being such a trooper all of these years. Thankfully I was done shaving the back of my ankles before I made that awkward misstep. I remembered watching a Celine Dion music video where she is in the bathtub shaving her legs soooo elegantly and beautiful with a healthy glow and smooth feminine motions, like she is directing a symphony, and here I am sweating like a junkie, trying not to tumble against one wall or the other and I'm missing spots left and right, had to go over everything more than once because of the sheer thickness of the leg warmers I had produced for myself over the past couple of months. After about 45 minutes of wrestling with myself I emerged from the bathroom on the brink of tears. Frustrated, and exhausted I mumbled to myself "Spring better hurry the fuck up, because I do not want to have done that for nothing." Also, next time I'm waxing. And tipping VERY well.

When I stumbled across this picture, It made me very VERY pleased.

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