Fer-reals.

On Sunday I took Oliver to Value Village. To spite his father, and also to look for a soccer ball. Oliver went to leave his scooter outside the door, as is usually appropriate scooter etiquette, FYI, when the security guard who works in Value Village came out and informed him that he "better not leave that bike out there. Some asshole will steal it." (bike. ASSHOLE.) Oliver had a moment of panic thinking of what to do and the guard offered to keep an eye on it for him. Oliver introduced himself (good boy) and asked his name. Darrell. Yes, Darrell. This is only the second time I have been in this Value Village and I already couldn't wait to be done. Oliver sees it as a treasure grove full of wonder. I just saw smelly junk. I took him over to the toy section, which is where I figured a ball to be. He runs over and almost INSTANTLY finds a pink stick thing with bells on it. Which he has since named "a jingle tap stick". It is PINK. Covered in JINGLE BELLS, and has light and dark pink ribbons wrapped around it. I'm trying to talk him out of the jingle stick when he finds a felt neon pink panther with a patent. leather. collar. Collectively, the two items cost less than a dollar, and he knew that, so I really have no ammo. I pull him away from the wall of misfit gay toys and downstairs in search for a soccer ball. A basketball. ANY ball. On the way towards the steps I see a polka-dotted purse that looks like it will fit my new laptop! I grab it without much more than a thought. We arrive at the bottom of the stairs and there is a wall of little kid backpacks and totes. Oliver spots a (godDAMN) Hannah Montana tote bag and bolts for it. I literally slap my forehead. He has a tote bag hanging from his shoulder that he drops and flings the HM one around his arm and starts with the "PleasePleasePleasePLEASE!" by some stroke of obvious genius I think to point out that there are pieces of her FACE missing. It looked like the previous possessor was a picker. He looks, judges, and puts it back. Close call. Then, on the far wall, I see it! SOCCER BALLS!　I walk directly to the first one I can reach grab it and turn back up the stairs. Leaving Ollie with not much of a choice beyond following. Upstairs, register, grab the scooter from Darrell, shake hands with Darrell(while making direct eye contact) and we are out the door and back over to the park to kick this ball. I stash the toys of queer in his old tote, hoping he will forget about theｍ（ｆａｔ　ｃｈａｎｃｅ）．He dudes out with the soccer ball for a spell. *Whew*

He gets picked up by his dad and I go about the chore of putting him away. I pick up the G.I. Joes, put away the crayons, stash the Unicorns, and I remembered the Value Village Run.Ｉpull his tote out and look at his pink collection. Then I remember my new purse! I pull it out and I start to check out the pockets to see what I can fit where and I came upon these three things, all in different pockets:

1.Tampons
2.Condom
3. Planned Parenthood appointment card